Rudy coco! It's Namibia F1!!

Akhenaten · Pro player

RE: Rudy coco! It's Namibia F1!!

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Elusive Predrag Rusevski

On arrival at the grounds, I spotted a sheepish looking Preg Rusevski heading into the commentary box. So I wasn't dreaming.

Later, I managed to catch up with Preg, desperate to ask him questions about the Alaskan situation, but he wouldn't shut up about his latest Davis Cup victory with Macedonia. Apparently they beat the mighty Luxembourg in September with Preg's performance (according to him) being magnificently pivotal. He disappeared into his caravan before I could ask a single question. I really need to brush up on my interviewing technique.

Akhenaten · Pro player

A Surprise Encounter

After my failed Rusevski interview, I headed off to the burger van, to get myself a much-needed zebra-burger, when surprisingly I bumped in Bogdan 'Victor' Leonte!
"Thought you were in Pakistan!" I exclaimed.

He told me he'd lost his quarterfinal and quite literally rocketed back to Namibia this morning to check up on his aardvarks. He told me, one was missing. I did my best to feign ignorance, but I'm not sure he believed me, but still he carried on, "Vejjy lost too you know. He's even grumpier now. Um. Got a halibut to 100km last night. Very pleased. Strydom's doing good. Yes indeed. He's all over the Pakistani papers. Missing a dormouse too. Pity. But they do bite nasty. Lahore's nice. Lovely fort. Going to try herrings next. Who's Jurgen playing again? Heinrich, eh. Very German. Barthy's in a wheelchair. Indeed. Grass is completely bonkers, if you ask me."
I hadn't.

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Continuing Adventures of King Loglo & the absent Corkscrew of Death

King Loglo is due to present the trophies here at Namibia F1 on finals day. So yesterday (rather rudely) he abruptly ended his tennis match in Tunisia; cancelled his already-delayed morning meeting with the Tunisian Prime Minister; and ran off the court mid-way through the second set to reach the airport on time for his booked flight. A bemused Frenchman called Xavier was left bewildered - but with a rare Loglo-victory under his belt.

In a brief TV interview conducted at Tunis airport, King Loglo promised Togoan support for Macedonia in its plight, he also condemned Alaskan policy as "dingleberry-brained". The King of Togo then ordered for his palace to be redecorated in red and yellow stripes to show his unending support for the Macedonian people.

As his plane took off, Loglo looked back over the Mediterranean Sea. What he saw scared him to death - an ominously large fleet of battle cruisers were making their way around the Sicilian coast... they were bound for Macedonia.

-- Edited by Akhenaten at 18:26, 2007-11-02

Akhenaten · Pro player

Strydom-Mania & The Marketing Department's last-ditch extravaganza.

There was such an air of excitement prior to the first semi-final. So much so there was an audible gasp when the clock struck twelve.

Out strode our umpire, Boy Westerhof, who took up his position, and announced the competitors to the crowd over a deafeningly loud P.A. "Twice Rwanda F1 second-rounder, the Prince Of Pretoria, please show your appreciation for Heinrich 'Don't Believe the Hype' Heyl !!!!" "Woo!" said the crowd. Then the music kicked in - at a mind-crushing volume - "Again I said I was a timebomb," shouted Public Enemy's Chuck D, "In the daytime the radio is scared of me. It's a Death Jam. Don't believe the hype!" On walked an obviously overawed, Heinrich.

Giving the audience few seconds for their ears to recover, MC Westerhof proceeded, "And now the man you've all been waiting for, from the hills of Windhoek, the Namibian Necromancer, the one time Botswana F1 quarter-finalist, let's hear it for Jurgens 'The Fix-man' Strydom!!!!" "Woo!" said the crowd again, yet 100 times louder. And once more the brain-rattling thumping beats started up, "Ooooooooo!" sang the singer, "Can we fix it?" "Yes we can!" cried the crowd, "Bob the Builder..." Thump, thump, thump, thump. Ooh, this was fun.

It was a tight first set, with Jurgens finally getting a break in the 12th game to take it 7-5, and then between sets, Janet Jackson came on and sang her new single, Pete Silverback performed a moonwalk, MC Westerhof mixed it up on the decks, and the flamingos performed a stunning synchronised aerobatic display.

Then the pole dancers came on...

Then the fire-juggling dwarfs appeared...

Then the Botswanan-Banjo-Playing-Transsexual-Pensioners-Parachute Team* dropped in...

Then the All-Mongolian-Fidel-Castro-lookalikey-motorcycle-display team came shooting over the top of the stadium and landed perfectly beside a rather jumpy-looking Janet.

The Marketing Department were looking so pleased with themselves, but then realised they better get on with this tennis-malarkey (it was starting to get dark after all)...

And in half an hours time, Jurgens had done it. He was in the final. The whole of Namibia rejoiced - gearing up for a party that was going to last through the night.

Our MC was geared up for this bit - "Game, Set, and Match... Jurgens... 'The Fix-man'... Strydom!!!" "Woo!" cried the crowd. "7-5!" "Woo!" "6-4!" "Woo!"

Now that's what I call entertainment. Phew! I'm exhausted.

JURGENS STRYDOM IS IN THE FINAL!!!!!!!!!

* There's currently only one member of the Botswanan-Banjo-Playing-Transsexual-Pensioners-Parachute Team. They're having trouble recruiting.

-- Edited by Akhenaten at 15:34, 2007-11-03

Salmon · Tennis legend

How on earth do you think of such stuff every hour???

Akhenaten · Pro player

Richie Ruckelshausen unearths the Pits Of The World

In the second semi-final, Claudio Grassi took on the Pretoria-living Austrian, Richie Ruckelshausen.

In a tight first set, the score stood at 5-5 30-40 on the Ruckelshausen serve. He served, Grassi hit a forehand back, then Richie let rip with a forehand drive down line - Claudio was no where near it. Then the line-judge called "OUT!" A gasp went up, the ball was obviously in. An angry Ruckelshausen made a flamingo-eye challenge. The birds woke up with a start (it had been a long week), they conflabbed, then one of the flamingos took off, swooped down, "ooooooOOOOOOO", and landed beyond the line. Ruckelshausen went crazy.

The match turned on the swoop of a bird. Grassi took the set 7-5, and then took an early break in the second. Ruckelshausen recovered his composure by the end of the match, but it was too late, Grassi emerging victorious 7-5 6-3.

As Ruckelshausen walked off court, his sense of humour seemed to have returned. "You cannot not be serious man!!" he shouted, in an American accent. "The ball was clearly in. I saw the chalk fly up!"

I think it was supposed to be another one of his impressions, but I've no idea who of!

So tomorrow's final is set - Italy's Claudio Grassi versus Namibia's hero Jurgens Strydom!! What a prospect. Sleep well!

Akhenaten · Pro player

Quietly and menacingly, an immense fleet of warships entered the Ionian Sea. Slowly and surely they were closing in on their target...

Akhenaten · Pro player

A young lion stands on a cliff's edge, and looks out over the immense and beautiful land that stretches out before him.

Seconds later, a crazy-eyed meerkat races up to him, and slaps him round the face with a wet haddock.

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Invasion

In 218BC, Hannibal used elephants in his Carthaginian invasion of Italy.

In 2007AD, Admiral Sealblubber was about to use polar bears in his Alaskan invasion of Macedonia.

45,000 bears were ready...

_____________________________

In Windhoek, Namibia - a nervous Jurgens Strydom served a double fault, and handed the Namibia F1 title to Claudio Grassi, 6-3 6-2.
In the National Theatre, a panic-stricken Raven Klaasen chased after another escaped rabbit, as he desperately prepares for his make-or-break show.

_____________________________

The terrifyingly ravenous bears snarled angrily, swiping with crazed frenzy at their cage doors, growing visibly more aggressive with every passing second. The skies grew noticeably darker.

_____________________________

Pete Silverback paced the floor, worried to death that he would screw up his imminent Irish Jig.
And in El Salvador, Amadeus Fulford-Jones once again prepares for another first round match. The thought of Round Two filling him with dread.

_____________________________

Sealblubber looked at his map. "Grrrr!" he snarled. There was a problem. Albania. Macedonia has no coastline. Albania was in the way. "Grrrr!" said Sealblubber reinstating his initial comment.

After thinking for a second, he howled, "Decimate the Albanians. Annihilate the Macedonians. Release the bears!!!!!"

Akhenaten · Pro player

Back in Namibia...

This morning, Jurgens Strydom's big sister, Steffi, gave Namibia something to cheer about; she and her Russian partner, Dani Arsenov, clinched the mixed doubles title. Though if you ask me their celebrations were a bit on the steamy side, especially for a Saturday morning.

You see, before their first round, Steffi promised Arsenov a peck on the cheek if they won. They did.

She then promised him a full smacker on the lips if they won round two. Again they did. By this time, the 18-year-old Russian couldn't stop himself grinning.

Of course, by the time they reached the final they'd already won another two matches. Let's just say, during the title celebrations most people were averting their eyes, and young Dani Arsenov was looking a very happy boy. Well done Steffi & Dan!

Savage, starving, angry polar bears stampeded out of their battlecruisers. Albania prepared itself for a bloody onslaught. Admiral Sealblubber smiled as he perused the awful scene. The invasion was starting, and it wasn't going to be pretty. The sight was one of a terrifying nightmare.

-- Edited by Akhenaten at 15:39, 2007-11-03

Akhenaten · Pro player

Black Skies Cometh

Over the Adriatic Sea and the Albanian coast, the sky went dark. Eerily dark. And quite silent, but for the thousands of rampaging bears heading for the coastline. Albania's silence broke with a shriek. The darkness had turned into blackness. Thoughts echoed - had it gone blind with its own terror. Everything now was pitch black. And it had started to rain. Heavy rain. Or at least it looked like rain. Smelt a little fishy. Definitely heavy, and definitely fishy. It was fish. It was raining fish! Fish!!!!

And my god, did those ravenous blood-hungry bears love it. Free food falling from the sky! They forgot all about this stupid war thing. This was polar bear heaven!

And what's more - they also got a lovely Admiral Sealblubber pudding to gorge on for afters. Yum!

Back in Namibia, Bogdan Leonte was feeling pleased with himself - 'fish in space' would have been a wonderful achievement, but 'fish in Albania' had achieved so much more.

Akhenaten · Pro player

Bogdan "God" Leonte

The polar bears soon started up a new peaceful religion worshipping Boggo the Fish-Rain God

The Macedonians and Albanians celebrated - they were mightily relieved - the result could have gone either way, and they were all such massive Claudio Grassi fans. The Alaskans were a little grumpy, but soon cheered up when the iceberg hurling championships started. Everyone was happy! Even Mustafa Ghouse's duck-pox had cleared up.

Whether Ghouse, Rook or Raven; In Namibia, Albania or Pakistan; The world once again felt good.

Ken & Tamara, the Namibian juniors, each downed another pint and slurred, "Gob dless you Goggo!"

And as befits an historic moment such as this, Tap Hacs is currently dolled up in a tennis dress, and is dancing the can-can outside Windhoek Town Hall.

Oh, actually, I tell a lie. Hacs is currently being bundled into the back of a Namibian police car. Oh dear.

Akhenaten · Pro player

...And the presentation party make their way down from the stands

Rather spendidly, the King of Togo quickly organised a presentation to thank Bogdan "Victor" Leonte for his endeavours.

A beaming King Loglo came to the stage and pronounced, "Bogdan, I speak for all of Togo and the rest of the citizens of our planet, when I say 'You're da man, Bogdan!'"

"Thank you for saving the world from a hideous war. And to show you my indefinite gratitude, I can think of no greater gift than to present to you - my very own finest, cherished, adored, prized possession - my very own hippopotamus!"

(Loglo loved his new job - he'd so longed to be rid of that bloody hippo.)

Boggo was ecstatic! A hippo! Woohoo! His thoughts were whirring. He was already planning - Project H - "The First Hippopotamus On The Moon!"

God bless Bodgan "The Saviour" Leonte

God bless Namibia F1.

imoen · Admin: Moderator+Tennis Legend

Thank you Akhenaten, it's so nice to hear first hand accounts of whats going on, really brings the tournament alive for us fans, and getting so many quotes from all the players is even better.