As a result of a spate of freak withdrawals, it has been decided to cancel the 2008 Australian Open. A woeful series of events led to the entire field being ravaged to the point where there was a distinct possibility that Oscar Hernandez or even Alex Bogdanovic might have won the title. Reason prevailed.

Those withdrawals in full:

Federer withdrawn with chronic flatulence due to overdoing the mince pies at Christmas.

Nadal's knee finally given out. Leg fell off below the knee.

Djokovic. In a full-body cast after falling down stairs whilst admiring self in a mirror.

Roddick. Multiple lacerations due to cycling through a pane of glass being carried across a road.

Davydenko. Was phoned and told he had a really bad headache and wouldn't be able to play.

Gonzalez and Ferrer. Crushed by piano they were carrying up some stairs.

Murray. Fell off town clock.

Nalbandian. Pies. 'Nuff said.

Safin. Fractured own skull attempting world record for banging head with racket.

Gasquet. Broke leg tripping whilst skipping gaily down the street.

Baghdatis. Anvil fell on head.

Hewitt. Collapsed lung after shouting "CMON" too energetically in Sydney.

Ancic. Acute exhaustion brought on by carrying own medical records across doctor's surgery.