Rudy coco! It's Namibia F1!!

Akhenaten · Pro player

RE: Rudy coco! It's Namibia F1!!

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Return of the Phantom Poisoner

Rumours of poisonings still abound. Edward Seator*, Heinrich "The Hype" Heyl and George W. Barth have all already pulled out of the draw. Heyl, indeed, has been sicking up a particularly impressive chunky-purple concoction.

Paranoia has taken root in such a big way, that many players are refusing to eat anything other than doughnuts. Talking of which, the Nostradamus of the Snack-based World, the Doughnut-Man, has made a surprising selection for the Sudan F1 title - the Egyptian, Sherif Sabry.

Radical choice - but after predicting Ruckelshausen and Middelkoop's victories in the past weeks - who would argue. The man is a prophetic genius.

* "S-E-A-T-O-R - Ed shouldn't have eaten that blue caviar."

Akhenaten · Pro player

Cris Hodel Mk II

Prof. Vejmelka says he has improved upon his last year's sinister creation, Cris Hodel*.

"This year's model has an increased sustainability," declared The Professor. "It's achieved by adding an essence of Tom Jones. Hodel's career should now carry on relentlessly, decade after decade, regardless of whether anybody wants it or not."

Sudan F1 welcomes Thom-Cris Hodel Mk II.

* Last year, Vejmelka's research showed that by combining the effortless skills of Chris Waddle and the tactical awareness of Glenn Hoddle, an invincible tennis player was possible. A Romanian surgeon, Dr. Stein put Vejmelka's plans into practice by creating this unconquerable player, just in time for Sudan F1 2006. Unfortunately his arm fell off during the second round.

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Adoration of the King

Komlavi Loglo dressed in cream-coloured dress robes adorned with a stunning crown, was carried onto court by 40 raggedly-dressed Spanish children, fireworks exploded over the Nile, blazing crosses of fire circled the legendary man, and the children bowing down so low that they touched the ground in worship of him. Loglo leant back with his arms stretched out wide, and lapped up the adoration.

It was indeed an awesome sight, but some of the spectators were growing tired of Loglo's outlandish entrances. Some loved it, but many others start to boo. From the commentary box, Andi Rook applauded and doffed his imaginary cap to the King. But, keen to show his disgust, Tap Hacs ran on court, pulled down his trousers, and waggled his all-too-unimaginary bum at Loglo. Hacs was escorted out the ground, and spent a night in a cell.

The King of Togo appeared completely oblivious to all this, and got himself ready for a tennis match. He proceeded to thrash Iran's Mo Mohazebnia, 6-2 7-5.

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Nutty Professor

This morning, Professor Vejmelka ran over to me at some speed.

"Hello there," panted an almost excitable Vejmelka. "I want to tell you my new joke."
Okay, go ahead.
"Right. If only DEAD people understand hexadecimal, how many people would understand hexadecimal?"
Eh??????? None?
"Haha! No! 57005!!! Hahahhaahaaaaa!!"
Eh???????????????
"You see, DEAD in hexadecimal is 57005 in decimal!! Hahahhaaaha! I am so funny!!"

If Khartoum had a supply of tumbleweed, this would have been the perfect time for it to spring into action.

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Nutty Professor II

This afternoon, Professor Vejmelka ran over to me at some speed. He seemed scared out of his wits, claiming he'd just seen the three-headed dog of Hades guarding the gates to the grounds by the doughnut-man's van. Vejmelka kept on running and hasn't been seen since.

Jamie Feaver took his place in the draw, but lost 7-5 6-2 to Bertie Steinberger.

Ratty · County player

LOL!

LMAO!

ROTFL!

AETTIPISBD!!

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Saviour

I caught up with Bogdan 'The Saviour' Leonte after he'd finished signing a few autographs for a group of his polar bear fans, and managed to sneak a quick interview with him. He appeared in good spirits. I asked how he was feeling.

Boggo: "Hello. I'm good. Very happy. Nice weather. Nice place. Apart from Middelkoop. He's still got two good legs. Grrrr. No rain yet. That's good. I've tried the mountain. Tried the cliff. Running out of ideas. Yannick's looking well. That's good too. Heard Vejjy's new sense of humour? Very unsettling. Still missing that dormouse. Just saw Fred Pairjuise. Making the noise of a Jallili Bird. I could try the electrocuted bunch of flowers. Maybe. Odd, I thought he was dead. Got Somogyi. Very tricky. Halloween and Christmas... Um... Very unsettling. Does Yannick want to go to the Moon? Mars? No. Oh. Um... Where's Vejjy gone?"

A raven landed, ripped the leg off a dormouse, and flew away.
How delightfully metaphorical. No?? Oh.
A young lion looked on in silent bewilderment.

Akhenaten · Pro player

Armageddon, the Devil & Doom Doom

I've just seen a pale-faced "Doom Doom" Ouahabi looking very apprehensive. He told me that the End Of The World is about to start on Saturday. I didn't take him very seriously; he's always saying rubbish like that, but he did seem genuinely worried.

I took him for a coffee, and he told me he'd just seen the Devil out by the practice courts. Ouahabi blurted, "He was all red with horns and a tail and everything, and a giant pitch fork and fangs and fire and goblins, and he told me that Armageddon starts on Saturday. Actually there weren't any goblins, but he cackled a lot and stuff."

Oo-er! I advised him to relax and have a doughnut.

(Ouahabi takes on 6th seed Sherif Sabry later today, in what could be a cracker of a match.)

Ratty · County player

LOL!

WTIB!!!

Priceless!!!

-- Edited by Ratty at 18:26, 2007-11-27

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Contrasting Results of Preg & Boggo.

Preg Rusevski started his campaign in emphatic style, with a 6-0 6-0 obliteration of Sudan's Abbas. "Ya'll know I in bizness, snizzle the bizzle, I da' man," emphasised a jubilant Preg.

But there was an upset in the next match, as the 2005 champion crashed out the tournament. Bogdan Leonte said to me prior to his match that Somogyi was going to be very tricky proposition. And so it proved, Somogyi got the better of Leonte, 7-6 6-2.

Boggo's reaction: "Not happy. Mind kept wandering. Space wallabies! That's it, that's the answer. Focus the mind, that's the key. What's happened to Amadeus Fulford-Jones? Concentrate. Doom Doom's disappeared now. Very odd. The bounce could be an advantage. Clear thinking. Very good. Hope Smoggy wins it now. It's all about getting in the zone. Kangaroos... Um... No, don't think so... The zone, that's it. Maybe, I could write a book. Hmm..."

Akhenaten · Pro player

Top-class punditry

This is how the Last 16 line-up lines up

Preg Rusevski (MKD) vs Ivan Nedelko (RUS)
Maniel Bains (GBR) vs Mario Tupy (AUT)
King Komlavi Loglo (TOG) vs Mohamed Safwat (EGY)
Sherif Sabry (EGY) vs David Brewer (GBR)
Alex Somogyi (SVK) vs Gilles de Sousa (FRA)
Bertie Steinberger (AUT) vs Andrei Ciumac (MDA)
Richie Ruckelshausen (AUT) vs Pavel Katliarou (BLR)
Middelkoop (NED) vs John McGahon (IRL)

With Vejmelka fleeing from the championships and with Boggo's demise, it looks to me as if Middelkoop is very likely to reach Saturday's final now. Though I'm sure the likes of Ruckelshausen and Somogyi will severely disagree with that analysis!

The top half is looking the tougher of the two, with Rusevski, Loglo and Sabry fighting hard for that place in the Sudan F1 final. I've been hearing the boy Brewer can play some good stuff too.

[For all Gregory Gumbs fans (and I know there's still a massive fanbase). Gregory Gumbs isn't here. :(]

Akhenaten · Pro player

The Ghost of Tennis Past

I just spotted an ashen-white Preg Rusevski hovering around the commentary box - he was burbling on about ghosts. He said was woken up in the middle of the night by a hauntingly familiar voice. On opening his eyes, he saw the ghostly figure of Dan Maskell weighed down by hundreds of chains!

"Maskell's haunting me! I'm scared to death!" exclaimed Rusevski. "He told me to give up my commentary job! Says if I don't, he'll haunt me for the rest of eternity!" And for once the famous Preg grin was absent. (And thankfully, so was that most peculiar accent.)

Oo-er! I advised him to relax and have a doughnut.

Akhenaten · Pro player

Yikes!

More odd stories have been circulating around Khartoum in this last 24 hours.

There's the mysterious retirements of both Ivan Vajda and Alexander "Slabba" Slabinsky - paranoia is now hitting new heights.

Talking of which, the permanently paranoid, "Doom Doom" Ouahabi, ran out the ground (and tournament), hot on the tail of Professor Vejmelka, screaming, "Doomsday! It's coming! We're all doomed! Doomed I tell yer!" He then trod in a pile of poo. (Injury + Insult = Talal Ouahabi)

Vejmelka's protégée, Thom-Cris Hodel Mk II, has been telling us of his journey down to the crossroads (of court 5,6,9 & 10) at midnight last night. He says he sold his racquet to the Devil, in return for a soul. Rudy coco!

Not to mention, Middelkoop's claims that someone is trying to make him crash his car.
[By the way, Middelkoop and Rusevksi breezed through to the quarterfinals this afternoon.]

Zoinks!! Poisonings, ghosts, Vejjy's jokes. It's scary stuff.

I'm going to take Yannick out tonight and investigate matters.

But first I need sandwich.

Akhenaten · Pro player

...

-- Edited by Akhenaten at 12:18, 2007-11-29