There is a Count from Transylvania
Who in girls sets off some kind of mania
They fall at his feet
Think him some kind of treat
It's so very hard to explain t'yuh!

At Wim-bee, acting up like a brat
He went out to young Muzz, just like that
At his press conference
Andy sat on the fence
But thought "That bloke's a bit of a tw*t!"

Then along came a crazy Swiss Miss
And can you believe, she said this:
"Yes, I'll marry this Czech
called Ra-dek Ste-pa-nek"
Oh we do hope she's taking the p*ss!

Coach and mum Melanie Molitor
Heard the news and her head hit the floor
Rad said "Look, future wife
I'll do the kiss of life"
And he nearly got shown the door!

The next night she turned up dressed to kill
While the Count looked a bit of a 'dill' ==========>>
Well, they say love is blind
And so she didn't mind
But the sight of it makes me quite ill!

Now he may be Martina's studmuffin
But she's not called 'black widow' for nuffin'
"I thought life would be heaven,
Now I'm ranked 57!"
(see the list if you think that I'm bluffin'!)

So that girl who played so full of grace
She got hitched to the Czech tennis ace
When she woke up beside him
She said "Please go and hide him!
Cos I don't want to look at his face!"

Their offspring, half vampire, half horse
Could hit tennis balls with some force
But when out on the grass
They fell flat on their arse
They'd been bred to play hard courts, of course!